When did you know?
Posted on Mon Sep 21st, 2020 @ 5:06pm by
Edited on on Mon Sep 21st, 2020 @ 5:09pm
1,826 words; about a 9 minute read
Mission:
Episode 10 - New Home, Same Pioneers
Location: Bridge/Various
Timeline: MD009 1600 hrs
Clarissa walked over to Ameri's station on the bridge. "Do you have a moment, I know its the end of your shift. Maybe we can walke together?" Clarissa asked. She wanted to get her opinion. She was still struggling with the move in, and everyone getting married.
“Of course,” Ameri nodded. “Lets go in one of the conference rooms and talk there.”
"That would be great." Clarissa said, as she followed Ameri off the bridge. in the back of her mind she started to contemplate how to start the conversation. He was very nervous it wasn't every day that she'd site open up.
Ameri led her into the room and over to one of the tables. She pulled out a chair and sat down, waiting for Clarissa to sit down as well.
Clarissa walked over towards Ameri, and pull up a seat next to her. She look into Ameri's body pressure in eyes, to see what kind of mood she was in. She know she was in a good mood because you don't want to add to any ill mood call me if you happen to be in one.
Clarissa was happy to see that she appeared to be in a good mood or body language is relaxed. She sat down next to her in the seat.
"I hope you do not mind, but my reason for asking to meet with you is on a personal nature." Clarissa said to Ameri.
“I’m fine with that,” Ameri said sincerely. She was glad that Clarissa felt like she could talk to her. “I hope you will always feel like you can come to me for any reason.”
"I am very happy to hear that." Clarissa said, feeling like she was stalling for time. She took a deep breath, and then decided to dive in. "When did you know you wanted to marry Quinn?" Clarissa asked, still feeling guilty on her decision.
Ameri wasn’t expecting that to be the question. She smiled at Clarissa. “When I realized that I didn’t want to be apart from him, the thought of him being assigned away from me ripped my heart in two. I knew that where ever he was I wanted to be.” She took a deep breath. “Then, I started thinking about a little girl and a boy who looked like Quinn.”
"I can relate to that, I wanted Jayden to move in, but deep down I am still not ready for marriage. But I want him close to me." Clarissa said, feeling like a little high school asking her mother for help on relationships. In part she felt dumb and immature for doing so.
“You shouldn’t get married until you both know that’s what you want.” Ameri replied. “Quinn and I dated at the Academy and we didn’t get married until after we graduated and we both knew we wanted to.” She smiled. “Sometimes it’s about being ready in your heart and sometimes it is the timing in your life.”
"Well that's the thing. I am not sure. I find that all the engagements and families starting to come aboard, I find myself questioning my own life choices." Clarissa pointed out to Ameri.
“It’s contagious,” Ameri said with a laugh. “I see friends starting their families and I yearn for another child. It’s normal for you to think about whether you two should get married but you want to make sure it’s right for you.” She asked a question then. “What is Jayden saying?”
"Nothing, this is all in my head." Clarissa quickly said, defending her man. He had done nothing wrong. Unless you count loving her, as a crime.
“I bet your wrong,” Ameri smiled. “Women are more likely to talk to others than men. He is probably having some of the same thoughts. Even worrying you might be expecting it.”
"Maybe, but if he is. He is really good at hiding it." Clarissa pointed out to Ameri, trying to get her to see that Jayden was the perfect boyfriend.
“His knees probably knock at the thought of asking you,” Ameri grinned. “He is a good guy and I think he is just right for you. The two of you seem to be your happiest when your together and you can tell that you belong together.”
"Very sweet of you to say, and no doubt if I was ready to get married, he would probably ask me in a heart beat." Clarissa pointed out to her. He was not the issue, she was.
“You need to figure out if you want marriage or if your being swept up in the idea of being married, the wedding and all that goes with it,”‘Ameri said quietly.
"That's just it, how does one figure it out." Clarissa said, thinking maybe she just did not get it. Why was this so difficult for her.
"Look at it this way," Ameri said. "Does the the thought of marrying Jayden right now excite you. Do you want to go out and buy a dress. Have him pick out rings and ask you to marry him, walk down an aisle and say I do. Or is it something you are thinking about in the future?"
"Whoa, that is a little to much to process. I came here for advice not to go out looking for rings." Clarissa said, as she instantly clammed up, and became very defensive.
"Too much?" Ameri replied with a grin. "I think you have your answer. You asked me if I thought you were ready for marriage and your freaking out about rings. If your ready for marriage, you are ready for everything that comes with it and if you aren't that isn't bad either. There is no time frame on when you want to take the next step."
"At least we agree on that." Clarissa said, thinking to herself, there is no real time step. She still had a lot of thinking to do, she decided at this very moment, that she wanted to talk to Elloma again, she understood her the best.
"I think I am not helping you at all," Ameri said apologetically. "I'm sorry." She felt like she was letting Clarissa down. The truth was only Clarissa and Jayden knew what was right for them.
"I am sorry, that I am being defensive." Clarissa said, feeling a little guilty for her own behavior.
“You are frustrated,” Ameri returned. “I get it. You want an answer and I think maybe I am not the right person to find it.”
"I didn't mean it that way oh, just being a little defensive. Or longest time I never wanted to get married I've had other boyfriends in the past even ones that have asked me to marry him before but I just never saw the point. And before you think I didn't have a good family life I did so I'm just not sure why I never thought it was important." Clarissa start to explain to Ameri.
Ameri listened as she talked, the more she said the more she realized that Clarissa didn’t have a clue what she wanted and neither did Ameri. “Maybe you should talk to Jayden.”
"if it was just that simple oh, this is something I think I have to work out on my own before I involve him in it" Clarissa said needing clarity not needing her lustful emotions clouding her judgment.
“”Nothing that means that much is simple,” Ameri murmured. “Perhaps that is why you are having such a hard time making a decision.”
"I think we can both agree on that, nothing in life is ever simple." Clarissa said with a big smile on her face. She was trying not to be defensive and be more receptive.
“I am not offended,” Ameri said. “We are friends, Clarissa but it doesn’t mean we can’t solve all of each other’s problems or even have the solution. All we can do is give our honest advice.”
"Typically I would agree to that, but this in my opinion is a unique situation. And when I'm done I'm not sure how to process or even handle." Clarissa said to Ameri hoping to get her to see how she was feeling about this whole situation.
“I think you should think with your heart and not your head,” Ameri said finally after thinking for a long moment. “The heart knows what it wants and the head spends too much time thinking and worrying. The heart just knows what it wants.”
"I'll keep that in mind." Clarissa said to her. She had never allow your heart or your mind to fully guide you. She was trying not to be judgemental as she put on a big smile, to hide her true feelings.
Deep down she wanted her heart to lead her, but she knew how dangerous that was. She needed to try to approach this from a rational perspective.
Ameri could see this was hard for Clarissa. She didn’t know what more she could say to make her feel better. “I am a heart on my sleeve woman, I let Quinn know right away how I was feeling.”
"And you both have something very special." Clarissa said as she thought that maybe she is being too harsh on herself and overthinking this.
“What happened with Quinn and I is rare. We knew this was where we were headed and there have been some compromises from both of us but it has been worth it.”
"I wonder what compromises I'll have to make?" Clarissa asked, as the question was more directed at herself.
“There may not be many,” Ameri murmured. “You are already together as a couple and spend a lot of time together. You both know what the other ones habits are.”
"But officially we have not lived together, unofficially we have for a while." Clarissa pointed out to Ameri.
“That is true,” Ameri nodded. “Then ask him now to move in and wait a little bit and see what changes.”
"I am hoping nothing." Clarissa said, with a big dopey smile on her face. She thought things between them where good. But now that could change, now that Jayden did not have his safety net, his own place to stay.
“I don’t think it will,” Ameri said with a smile. “Jayden is who he is I don’t see him changing much once you share.”
"I hope so." Clarissa said, as the scene starts to fade away.
Ameri hoped that things worked out for Clarissa and Jayden. She thought they were good for each other.
A joint post by;
Lieutenant Ameri Ó Flannagáin
Chief Operations Officer, USS Pioneer
Lieutenant Junior Grade Clarissa Rockwell
Assistant Chief Engineering Officer, USS Pioneer
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